My early 2020 Pandemic Experience

My Pandemic Experience

                 Hope is the most powerful thing.

Honestly, I am happy to say that my pandemic experience literally brought all flavours on the plate. If you could watch my pandemic experience on Netflix, you’ll primarily see 2 main genres: ‘productive’ & the ‘not-so-productive’. And well, if I were a critic, I would like to rate my own experience with five stars, for having drama, plot twists, climax, cliffhangers, you name it.

And emotions? Definitely. Joy, motivation, sadness, opening up, anxiety attacks, feeling low, self-help, fighting your demons, but also hope, surge of wisdom, youth (well I know I’m only 20 but you see, my dreams since childhood that would stop me from zoning out in the midst of productive work). Okay, too many graphics.

Before, I get into the details, I’d like to thank my four walls, and my mother for bearing with my moods. And not just, support system, my own self. If there wasn’t a nagging subconscious telling me every time I tried to give up, that I had to fulfill a lot more and owe myself and the Universe a lot before I would not have hesitated to say the world’s 3 most demotivating words “I give up.” And that is my dreams. The sensual futuristic image of myself walking down the streets of Upper Manhattan, with a successful design career, and making my mother proud? Living the life of hustle in the advertising capital of the world, with the nostalgia of New York high rises and cheesecakes? Yes that vision was more than enough to keep me going.

Remembering some milestones like my Book Review on Looking For Alaska being published in Bengaluru Review; when I was the only fresher to win 1st prize for my ‘Letter to Bapu’ in my college writing contest on World Peace Day; an essay on hope itself that helped the survivors of the Killari earthquake to heal which little ten-year-old me had written and was selected by a publishing house in London, when my short stories & poems published by Navneet Publications & Mumbai Education Trust’s Young Explorer Magazine and better times that even I wouldn’t have believed I’d have done at that age gave me newfound hope. Even my travel memories all over the world also gave me some source of inspiration, when I couldn’t travel physically during lockdown. Especially my thrilling solo journey across the world when I was 16 years old, changing terminals on my own, choosing the right bus and hoping you didn’t end up in the wrong country? All without the help of air crew? And my mother being more scared about it when I was the one travelling? Now that was definitely some writing material, folks. And this got me back to writing. Especially poetry.

And other skills I learnt during this lockdown? It was the housework that also proved to be therapeutic, when you’re so done with academics. My mom would sit in the hallway, as if she’d competed in a race against Usain Bolt, full of sweat after doing so much housework.

I learnt how to mop the floor, learnt new recipes, and putting clothes to dry from the washing machine. If I needed my mother in my most trying times, my mother also needed me in her most trying times. And one thing I value about this lockdown? Family time.

You see, I was initially on short circuit- after seeing my engineering friends’ college exams cancelled and them complaining about getting to spend time ideal, while I was ‘bearing’ with my college assignments. And that was it. I wanted to learn a lot of new things such as learning copywriting, developing my portfolio, but I was devoted to college.

And then, an inner voice told me: ‘Hey Eshwari, we aren’t going to keep making new timetables everyday. But how about you treat your college assignments as part of your portfolio itself?” And that motivated me and boosted my quality of work.

And honestly, an appreciation feedback on your Class Whatsapp group from your faculty, who know the horrors of the professional world, means everything.

“I would like to appreciate Eshwari for the efforts she puts up. Don’t ever give up girl.” These words did a lot more good to me.

And, I realized, some day, those good words from my mouth could also save a life. Okay, not bragging.

It was the worst day of my life in June 2020. My own grandfather with his architectural expertise helped me in doing one of my first year Jury submissions, the redesigning of an airline seat. How could I ever look at my own masterpiece of hard work and dedication, the same, when the person who helped me was fighting for his life, in hospital?

A lot many times seeing the virus claim humans around me, I was tempted to ask the Universe, “Why my neighbourhood? Why us? Why our building?’ There were times when I couldn’t share this with my friends for fear of scrutiny and it being used against me. There were rather unpredictable times with fear.

But indeed, the Universe was trying to tell me something else. It was when I was overjoyed to see 57/60 in this same subject with good remarks. And I thought I should share this news with my grandfather, who was experiencing a near life-and- death situation in the hospital. And I said to him, “Hello Azoba, guess what there’s some good news. I scored 57 on 60 in this project that you helped me with. Come on Azoba, come back to us. We all are fighting our demons everyday. Even me. So can you! Ah, now there I see a smile.’ And that was it a smile plastered on his face. And following two days, I receive news of my grandfather back at home, still resting, but in a much better shape. Yes it was like Karma. Unfortunately, he still relapsed but continues to take rest.

It all began with a snooze mode, and mom’s occasional “you have been waking up at 2 pm”, a nice 2 weeks in April watching Netflix. Yes very ordinary, ladies and gentlemen (and that’s how great stories begin). Well, reality came crashing down when known friends, relatives started getting claimed by the virus, and I could no more step out.

A lot many times the BMC, Mumbai’s Municipal Corporation; would come to different areas in our neighbourhood, stamp my friends and I with a stepping-out ban and the smell of the disinfectant replaced those of vada pav on the streets. But I could also see the risk these heroes, who didn’t wear capes, but stethoscopes, white coats, PPE kits were at, from the other end of the spectrum. Risking their lives for curing the society, and my father happens to be one of them, always going to and for to hospitals to save lives.

And if their lives were at tenfold times risk, why couldn’t I do something better with my life, always torn about the gap between my ideal self and my real self, within the comfort of my home? And then, I remembered Carl Rogers’ venn diagram. So I adjusted my goals but didn’t change them. Yet I tried to be more productive.

I am also currently learning some online courses on copywriting, since I aspire to start my creative journey from here, being interested in advertising design. I swear I keep rewriting my resume after realizing every alternate day, “Oh I could have added this point too.” I also took part in some logo design contests.

Most importantly, if you want to know the recipes I made? Well cakes, caramel custard , tacos primarily sum up what I did. As, for the Netflix shows, oh my goodness. Never did I imagine I’d start watching K-drama, but yes I started off with watching ‘The Empress Ki’, a tale on the journey of a young Korean woman, Tseun-nyang from being a refugee of Goryeo (ancient united Korean kingdom)to being the Empress of the Yuan Dynasty. I kind of like shows that have royalty, history, mythology, feminism and those that have an element of suspense and mystery. And this show seemed to be a perfect blend of it all.

After hearing the news of great actors like Sushant Singh Rajput’s demise when people seemed to be in a debate whether it was murder or suicide; I identified a pattern of learned helplessness that let me think I couldn’t solve my situation of not getting time to enjoy and enrich my hobbies, and right then, I forced myself to snap out of it. I even remember seeing the late actor’s memorable movie ‘Chhichhore’ that said the same thing to me as my strong conscience. I knew one thing, I owed a lot more to the Universe and to myself: something bigger than all of my problems that seemed smaller in comparison- my ambition. Nothing seemed more worthy than my precious life, and I know living healthy and sound is a great blessing in these times.

After all, our strength to live depends on our own willingness to survive.

ESHWARI PATHARE, FC- SEMESTER 3